sglèat / slate

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In another time & place       

when i was someone else — i          

held you. saw you for the 

last time. final journey.   

gazing out towards   

home, i watched you  

fly — across the tidal ice.

soul carried 

high. sky slate    

grey, as the ice packed 

North Sea,

roared tumbling.

pain echoing thunder.

crack. the tearing 

of my soul & all the half stitched

seams holding us together.

i stood inside days. waiting. lost 

inside the storm.

staring out. standing tied.

shore-bound, screaming

at the raw edged wound of nature. 

hoping to be swallowed up,

as hearts opened & merged 

with the fossils of stones.

one moment out of time & step,

the glance away — the cruelest blow. 

my hell brain mind replaying 

last words back

to me. unsettled, mingling with the

Sea. as day rolled in & out. pain

washing over. tears flooding,

drowning me,mixing with the salt. eroding

my reflection. the me i had become,

your eyes, staring back 

from the deep, in 

hollowed scooped

out silence. 

©Copyright Karen Bain 2017.All Rights Reserved.

mar chùimhneachan / in memoriam

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for as long as memory,  

i have stared at the

exit. a glow-worm radiant, switched    

off and on

in mind. it comforts me.

calming my thoughts, scorching  

past the c r i s s  

c r o s s landscape of

the never[mind]. 

only i hold the key 

that opens that final

silent room, inside the box,

inside the house of me.

i lived there,

once, safe. inside that room, 

absent of thought, 

inner silence 

runs as the ice river.

washing over me, subduing, submerging

my tears. i am smothered under 

molten earth. in that land, pain

lies down, & sleeps forever,

and all the fractured

pieces lost along the way

reassemble. i radiate onward

outwith the sun. the mirrored river

of life flows on, softening

the embers of the flames

inside the burn.

the soul will finally – be. 

in memoriam, i can return.

©Copyright Karen Bain 2017.All Rights Reserved.

Ath-òrdaich / Reorder

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Mixed

episodes

Disintegrate

mood

(re)order

Reality

in waves

of

Pain

filled

(hurt)

inside

Relative

order..

becoming

Disorder..

fragmenting

shapes

Echoing

(distorted)

thoughts

screaming

vocal

sounds..

Blasting

(hollow)

empty

(feelings)

through

our

Once

beautiful

Days..

 

©Karen Bain 2016.All Rights Reserved.

 

ciùrr / hurt

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Retreating inwardly
coiling back deep inside
a shadow spinning onwards
into dark unexplored lands
returning to the journey
the path to me

Broken love in shattered pieces
non-repairable
smashed and ground underfoot
Lost within the hateful
hollow words
spewed out…in non contextual parts
Becoming dust…
no thought of love
or care of connection

Love selfishly-self/erased
an empty vessel cast aside
into the cold bitter black forgotten void
unrecognisable now
twisted out of shape
like your words to me
cruel imprints of your barren heart
This is how I will Remember you…

©Karen Bain 2015. All Rights Reserved.

Numb

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TIRED…
Tired of the pain
Of the inter/ruptured/ruption in my thoughts
Of pains inability to focus
Tired of pain/less empty medication
and the double edged sword of numb
offered up…
from a hollow world
Tired of numb as the only everlasting option
from the endless searing hurt
Of blurred thoughts
and the fractal visions that it brings
Tired of trying to get back to me
The me that I was…free
Once…
The land where numb was never
my preferred choice
before my brain
and surgical steel devoured me
Tired….
Tired of the living nightmare
that fragile mortality has become
picking up the pieces
Trapped..in the Darkness
between endless pain
and the unwanted promise of numb
TIRED…

 

©Copyright Karen Bain 2015. All Rights Reserved.

Hollow

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Hollow

Our house was cold…hollow of sound

every day returning to the emptiness

flicking the switch to light the dust

of your abandoned world

hoping to find you waiting

walking from absent room to room

ever missing

ever lacking

negligent of all that marriage should be

inwardly distancing myself from you

As far as I could go

retreating

coiling back within myself

the past unborn/ as our future

and every pitch black hollow night

returning with excuses

told to unhearing ears

as we undressed unfacing each other

turning away as the lights went out

I grew to unlove you

and your empty sounds

lies spoken through smug smiles

talking to me as if I was a child

unappeasing me

filling the hollow air with promises never to be

but I knew

knew what you were/ where you were/ were not

closed the door

left you to your abandoned life

our empty house of hollow sound

echo’s silencing from room to room

and the darkening night of your void

©Copyright Karen Bain 2015. All Rights Reserved.