I sat, still. gut wrenched, holding.
Nib to parchment scraping. cutting.
tracing veins that would no longer quicken.
until I vomited you. out. bleeding the past. the way out through the buried box.
contaminating the air. singing
as a newborn.echoing through the darkness.
afterwards. raw. eyes wide. finally awake.
flooding, senses heightened.
I knew. I was alive.
love has been an unexpected found, lost for me before i dared to open the hands that clenched, trying to contain. bloomed confusion obscured inside the shadowed hurt of childhood. before i unlocked the door to inner self, found you outwith.
love has been the cold reflective, steel blade. understanding, giving. unforgiving. the release of who i am, my path back to you.
the path to emotions shuttered room, where i pray on tired knee. beg to die, beg to live, to come alive. to feel renewal inside, energies light, birthing the summer sun.
the fight, to barter with emotion. life’s metronome unbalanced. the constant flux. the unexpected found, the unsound. the fight within, to understand the eternal source, that drags me down to the drowning pool.
when you speak to me of love
your voice is all constricted,
your gaze is down,
watching restless movements,
birds circling your feet — today’s incompletes
drowning in substantive
thought — i can feel it — the reverberated
shuffling, night’s ripple of uncomfortable,
the awkward in-betweens of our life.
full of care,
care sits right over there,
with you. sits where you sit, somehow
it fits, & i am — comfortable
for the first time — in a long time. yet
my heart is pounding, rushing, flowing,
pulsing, growing into you, pulling away.
blooming — booming — my voice
is all avoidance, avoiding me, the day,
my feelings as all the words flow on repeat
and rush away — flowing forwards,
standing -— still.
and all contained — will never find the still,
the air around, the room in which we sit
or stand, to fall.
i fall, i fail.
the continual fall to fail,
below your feet.
and who am i.
a passing torment.
a passing — wasted
inside the blink —
of your eye.
my love is a broken door, breaking
you, over & over. until it’s over, and
i don’t want you to go, but i am
glad for you. i push away. there
is ice water filling up the scars holding
me together. submerging emotion.
blunted, pain cuts through obscure ice.
the submerged room i am trapped in,
i can no longer stand, i sink to give.
the pain is endless.
i open the dark box of nothing.
inside thoughts repeat
the voice of self annihilation,
as written on the walls, in the blood
of yesterday & the day after. emptied i sit.
knowing i get back to this, guts me.
i stare at the black void pool. reflection
of all my living fear.
there is no door out of this room. i am
sealed inside my mind. memory ruptures
through sinew. i leak. blooming on,
aching through night born, seeping into
the ice floor shelf, it adds
to the blackness, it will swallow me up.
i am the death mattress whore.
i plunge, submerge.
empty of me, wanting more. your face the last
i see. always, i see you, staring back at me.
mouth open. eyes gaze into
the face of all that is unknown.
you are dead. i am always dying.
our love is decomposing.
©Karen Bain 2017.All Rights Reserved.
I washed you out with bitter words
i washed myself out with it. spat me
out down the drain where I’m sitting
still. watching waiting for the change
to come to feel again to leave undone
to stop the hammer in my head that
keeps reverberating through each night
each day disrupting all, won’t leave me be..
i did not want what you wanted
i did not want
i did not
i saw the spark
i saw the spark kindle
i saw the spark kindle and catch light
I saw the light within the darkness
the darkness within your eyes
i wanted to dive in to see to feel to
lose myself, get lost in all from me as
far from me as i could get it’s never
far enough. i see and feel the rain too much
i see and feel the voices echoing, resonating
on into the distance and back again. the
arrows as they pierce. i am engulfed buried
under the darkest night of howling moon.
i see the colours of the darkness, the dripping
reds and hurtful words the clawing and the
scratches the cut marks as i lay in bed, it all
comes back to me tenfold within the voice
that will not leave or listen. i see and feel
all I’ve done undone and done again i feel unto
the end of time the crushing inside my mind,
the crushing weight of all the pain, the universe
undone again. as it cries out i hear the siren
in the whisper,the banshee in its loss, the blood
that thunders underground, the spark that shoots
and feeds the roots of all we are connected — dis
connected to,the ties that bind us all together,
the shadows as they walk and creep, the darkness
as it swoops and steeps to reach out to us, to
lend a hand, the fist that closes in. i hear the
silence beneath the waves that beat, that rise and
fall, ebb in and out and crash — as birds swoop
overhead and trust the air that suffocates.
i did not want to be as i am but here i sit and this
is me, a shell engulfed by flames and light within
the screaming darkness of my night.
a shell surrounded and engulfed by sound, that flows
and pumps the beat unto the ground,that feels it
all the ebb the flow the heightening quick of the
undertow, as i am pulled this way and that.
i spat me out down the drain where I’m sitting still..
watching waiting for the change to come,to feel
again to leave undone to stop the hammer in my
head. to leave me be to be as dead within the
hush, the silence that must live — somewhere
inside the chaos within — the melancholy of
©Copyright Karen Bain 2017.All Rights Reserved.
Between darkness and light
what hides in the shadows of
the tear in the membrane
of our soul..
Does our consciousness
Create what hides within
the fear that erodes from
the break in reality..
housing the voice only we can hear
pecking at our minds in hope
that we give in..
We all live between the darkness and the light
In the cold blue black of night..
Which thread of reality should we hold onto
as we slip inside the out
when demons surrounding are too loud..
Perhaps the hush is within
the tears that flow
the glass shards imploding around..
the blood that pumps underground..
inside the shadows of our portable shell
the form in which we hide
from the hands that grasp..
Inside the house behind the door
that we bolt Shut..
to keep the monsters out..
In the pitch black of night
I hold myself on the cold floorboards
and pray to the darkness
in my soul
he’s the only one who will ever know…
©Karen Bain 2016.All Rights Reserved.