mar chùimhneachan / in memoriam

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for as long as memory,  

i have stared at the

exit. a glow-worm radiant, switched    

off and on

in mind. it comforts me.

calming my thoughts, scorching  

past the c r i s s  

c r o s s landscape of

the never[mind]. 

only i hold the key 

that opens that final

silent room, inside the box,

inside the house of me.

i lived there,

once, safe. inside that room, 

absent of thought, 

inner silence 

runs as the ice river.

washing over me, subduing, submerging

my tears. i am smothered under 

molten earth. in that land, pain

lies down, & sleeps forever,

and all the fractured

pieces lost along the way

reassemble. i radiate onward

outwith the sun. the mirrored river

of life flows on, softening

the embers of the flames

inside the burn.

the soul will finally – be. 

in memoriam, i can return.

©Copyright Karen Bain 2017.All Rights Reserved.

toirt air falbh / subtraction

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the only one who

ever gave me a refund

on how i was feeling

was you. the till

was always clamped. shut. no one had

what i was looking for.

no one recognised

i only had the exit. key in my pocket.

cold hands reaching.

i still see ,the sign.

flickering like a moth in and

out the light. dancing with

the devil. a glow-worm

burrowing in.

my exit – a becoming – glow. it’s everywhere i go.

the man with the blade follows me.

I follow the rich red velvet — the decompose.

he turns the light above the doorway on.when

i least expect it. leaves the door for me,

when im not okay. it’s okay to not be. i lie, in wait.

i glance into the distract. life trails away.

in the dark, droplets of pain flick off, metal glints.

pulling me.

pain lies,it knows no truths. its trickster whispers –

the becoming scream – in league

with the hellbrain. the dark subtractions

of me. suicides unforgiving past projector

lighting up. the wall ahead, distorting.

twisting my thoughts. wiping out all reason.

a static overload tuned to the judgement station.

the post it notes of past mistakes, razor wire stitched

inside my shredded, peeling soul.

if the devil is in the details,

who is it i see lurking

in the shadows of

disorder, waiting for me?

©Copyright Karen Bain 2017.All Rights Reserved.

tàirneach / thunder

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final

I washed you out with bitter words
i washed myself out with it. spat me
out down the drain where I’m sitting
still. watching waiting for the change
to come to feel again to leave undone
to stop the hammer in my head that
keeps reverberating through each night
each day disrupting all, won’t leave me be..
i did not want what you wanted
i did not want
i did not
i did
i
I saw
i saw the spark
i saw the spark kindle
i saw the spark kindle and catch light
I saw the light within the darkness
the darkness within your eyes
i wanted to dive in to see to feel to
lose myself, get lost in all from me as
far from me as i could get it’s never
far enough. i see and feel the rain too much
i see and feel the voices echoing, resonating
on into the distance and back again. the
arrows as they pierce. i am engulfed buried
under the darkest night of howling moon.

i see the colours of the darkness, the dripping
reds and hurtful words the clawing and the
scratches the cut marks as i lay in bed, it all
comes back to me tenfold within the voice
that will not leave or listen. i see and feel
all I’ve done undone and done again i feel unto
the end of time the crushing inside my mind,
the crushing weight of all the pain, the universe
undone again. as it cries out i hear the siren
in the whisper,the banshee in its loss, the blood
that thunders underground, the spark that shoots
and feeds the roots of all we are connected — dis
connected to,the ties that bind us all together,
the shadows as they walk and creep, the darkness
as it swoops and steeps to reach out to us, to
lend a hand, the fist that closes in. i hear the
silence beneath the waves that beat, that rise and
fall, ebb in and out and crash — as birds swoop
overhead and trust the air that suffocates.

i did not want to be as i am but here i sit and this
is me, a shell engulfed by flames and light within
the screaming darkness of my night.
a shell surrounded and engulfed by sound, that flows
and pumps the beat unto the ground,that feels it
all the ebb the flow the heightening quick of the
undertow, as i am pulled this way and that.
i spat me out down the drain where I’m sitting still..
watching waiting for the change to come,to feel
again to leave undone to stop the hammer in my
head. to leave me be to be as dead within the
hush, the silence that must live — somewhere
inside the chaos within — the melancholy of
the sound…

 

©Copyright Karen Bain 2017.All Rights Reserved.

gràdh agus beatha / Amor et Vita

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final

 

W h e r e  has  our love gone
have  time and  p a i n  washed
love  a w a y
has our  f o c u s
s h i f t e d  feelings
left behind along the way..
Has  p a i n  blocked
out the sunlight
the path that leads to
and from  m y  door
has warmth left  y o u r  chambered heart forever
Is love  l y i n g  dying
b a t t e r e d  on  a  b l e e d i n g floor..
Is it  h i d i n g  from
what  l i e s  waiting
all that causes it f e a r
and  p a i n..
Is it hanging on to something
d e a d  n o w..
something  r e m e m b e r e d
something  blamed..
Have  f i s t s and  a n g e r  distorted my vision
of who i  a m  and  how  i  f e e l
has the sunlight turned
to D a r k n e s s
my  e c h o   of  p a i n  all
that is  R e a l …

tha mi airson faighinn a-mach
©Copyright Karen Bain 2017.All Rights Reserved.

Ath-òrdaich / Reorder

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Mixed

episodes

Disintegrate

mood

(re)order

Reality

in waves

of

Pain

filled

(hurt)

inside

Relative

order..

becoming

Disorder..

fragmenting

shapes

Echoing

(distorted)

thoughts

screaming

vocal

sounds..

Blasting

(hollow)

empty

(feelings)

through

our

Once

beautiful

Days..

 

©Karen Bain 2016.All Rights Reserved.

 

Brìgh / Substance

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I love you..
in substance
and shadow
the shadow where you live
where I cast you
banished to
all substance is gone
just a tethering
a tethered pain
Submitting..

The break
in memory of
who we once were
and you
to me
You are my past present
my future
you cling to me
your body
shadows
around all time
I hear your voice
inside the locked dark room
your melody plays
inside
my heart echoes your
constant rhythm
I call to you in the night
I am lost..

In losing you
I recognised myself
saw you behind me in
the mirror
reflecting dreams
my vivid ink stained nightmare
back to me..

From the cold beyond
skin drenched
you reach out to me
Touch me
through the glass
fluidly..

Metal glints
plasma pools and drips
Seeping
rain falls on me
tears stream
you are inside them..

Dark claret pours
shining as it streams
blanching cherry
wood boards
you are everywhere
Flowing..
the seen unseen

I miss you as you were
You are as a
beautiful illuminating
bloodlust spectre
that haunts
Each day
my Night
caressing me
in stark moonlight
Outlining my soul
with your body
hushing my tears..

The river flows endlessly
there is no stopping
I am adrift
wild is the river
You flow through me..

©Karen Bain 2016.All Rights Reserved.

Mì-dhealbhaich / Distorts

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In the dying embers of fading light

Fractal distortions echo and glare

distorted voices painfully overlap

haunted pain-wrenching imagery…

 

Visions of warped consciousness

fearfully scatter in the periphery

of my Ticking trickling time

that warps and bends

As it drips

gathers useless droplets

and falls in mindless

puddles of pooled lost connections…

 

Intricate dis-chords shattering the room

broken shards of thought

ungrasped scattering outwith…

Evaporating from touch

as grasping hands reach out

Lost inside the dimming light

of minds once razor sharp

expectant day…

 

Reductions of thought

lost in severing Pain

tuneless overlays…

Of days and moments fading memories

that once roared and blazed

so clearly

across the sun drenched paths…

 

Sure footing

Fallen

into Jarring

lessening

unknown

Voiceless twilight…

©Karen Bain 2016.All Rights Reserved.