sglèat / slate

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In another time & place       

when i was someone else — i          

held you. saw you for the 

last time. final journey.   

gazing out towards   

home, i watched you  

fly — across the tidal ice.

soul carried 

high. sky slate    

grey, as the ice packed 

North Sea,

roared tumbling.

pain echoing thunder.

crack. the tearing 

of my soul & all the half stitched

seams holding us together.

i stood inside days. waiting. lost 

inside the storm.

staring out. standing tied.

shore-bound, screaming

at the raw edged wound of nature. 

hoping to be swallowed up,

as hearts opened & merged 

with the fossils of stones.

one moment out of time & step,

the glance away — the cruelest blow. 

my hell brain mind replaying 

last words back

to me. unsettled, mingling with the

Sea. as day rolled in & out. pain

washing over. tears flooding,

drowning me,mixing with the salt. eroding

my reflection. the me i had become,

your eyes, staring back 

from the deep, in 

hollowed scooped

out silence. 

©Copyright Karen Bain 2017.All Rights Reserved.

mar chùimhneachan / in memoriam

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for as long as memory,  

i have stared at the

exit. a glow-worm radiant, switched    

off and on

in mind. it comforts me.

calming my thoughts, scorching  

past the c r i s s  

c r o s s landscape of

the never[mind]. 

only i hold the key 

that opens that final

silent room, inside the box,

inside the house of me.

i lived there,

once, safe. inside that room, 

absent of thought, 

inner silence 

runs as the ice river.

washing over me, subduing, submerging

my tears. i am smothered under 

molten earth. in that land, pain

lies down, & sleeps forever,

and all the fractured

pieces lost along the way

reassemble. i radiate onward

outwith the sun. the mirrored river

of life flows on, softening

the embers of the flames

inside the burn.

the soul will finally – be. 

in memoriam, i can return.

©Copyright Karen Bain 2017.All Rights Reserved.

tàirneach / thunder

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final

I washed you out with bitter words
i washed myself out with it. spat me
out down the drain where I’m sitting
still. watching waiting for the change
to come to feel again to leave undone
to stop the hammer in my head that
keeps reverberating through each night
each day disrupting all, won’t leave me be..
i did not want what you wanted
i did not want
i did not
i did
i
I saw
i saw the spark
i saw the spark kindle
i saw the spark kindle and catch light
I saw the light within the darkness
the darkness within your eyes
i wanted to dive in to see to feel to
lose myself, get lost in all from me as
far from me as i could get it’s never
far enough. i see and feel the rain too much
i see and feel the voices echoing, resonating
on into the distance and back again. the
arrows as they pierce. i am engulfed buried
under the darkest night of howling moon.

i see the colours of the darkness, the dripping
reds and hurtful words the clawing and the
scratches the cut marks as i lay in bed, it all
comes back to me tenfold within the voice
that will not leave or listen. i see and feel
all I’ve done undone and done again i feel unto
the end of time the crushing inside my mind,
the crushing weight of all the pain, the universe
undone again. as it cries out i hear the siren
in the whisper,the banshee in its loss, the blood
that thunders underground, the spark that shoots
and feeds the roots of all we are connected — dis
connected to,the ties that bind us all together,
the shadows as they walk and creep, the darkness
as it swoops and steeps to reach out to us, to
lend a hand, the fist that closes in. i hear the
silence beneath the waves that beat, that rise and
fall, ebb in and out and crash — as birds swoop
overhead and trust the air that suffocates.

i did not want to be as i am but here i sit and this
is me, a shell engulfed by flames and light within
the screaming darkness of my night.
a shell surrounded and engulfed by sound, that flows
and pumps the beat unto the ground,that feels it
all the ebb the flow the heightening quick of the
undertow, as i am pulled this way and that.
i spat me out down the drain where I’m sitting still..
watching waiting for the change to come,to feel
again to leave undone to stop the hammer in my
head. to leave me be to be as dead within the
hush, the silence that must live — somewhere
inside the chaos within — the melancholy of
the sound…

 

©Copyright Karen Bain 2017.All Rights Reserved.

Oidhche / Night

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image

Light dies untouched..
ebbing away
Darkness seeps
into every thought
each sickly pore
tuneless Memories burn and
Slice at open nerves
Laid seeping bare
by dreams of night
my memories of you
First glimpse unto the last
played back in jarring non sequential time..

Stark images
of warmth and of the sun
scattering in spirals downwards
Unordered
Torn inside the
Final darkened day
Unseen until I stepped inside
and Stopped..

Cold..
love broken sits unseeing
shattering the mirror
still life
as loves curtain gently
blows beyond
and outside streetlights
look on
into the flicker
where all life lives..

Love lost
forever locked inside the
blossoming river inside
the empty silent room
the final Stop..
where I walked in
where love in silence sat and died
where futile impotence
gave birth in me..

I stood incapable
Laid bare
In greyed out emotion
echoing screams inside my mind
that wouldn’t Stop
the questions unto myself
my pleading unto you
unheard..
Anger rising
as silent
shadows swept the room

Were they looking for love too..

 

©Karen Bain 2016.All Rights Reserved.

Hollow

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Hollow

Our house was cold…hollow of sound

every day returning to the emptiness

flicking the switch to light the dust

of your abandoned world

hoping to find you waiting

walking from absent room to room

ever missing

ever lacking

negligent of all that marriage should be

inwardly distancing myself from you

As far as I could go

retreating

coiling back within myself

the past unborn/ as our future

and every pitch black hollow night

returning with excuses

told to unhearing ears

as we undressed unfacing each other

turning away as the lights went out

I grew to unlove you

and your empty sounds

lies spoken through smug smiles

talking to me as if I was a child

unappeasing me

filling the hollow air with promises never to be

but I knew

knew what you were/ where you were/ were not

closed the door

left you to your abandoned life

our empty house of hollow sound

echo’s silencing from room to room

and the darkening night of your void

©Copyright Karen Bain 2015. All Rights Reserved.